No Longer Alone

Hello

I am a recovering addict name Alex Z

After 27 year recovering in the loving fellowship of NA I am going to try to write my story. I was told It would be good to do before I get to old and for get it, LOL.

PRE - RECOVERY

Everything that I am bought to say about my year before recovery means nothing to me. Today other then the fact it may help some one else it really has nothing to do with who I am. I am freed from the guilt, shame and embarrassment of it all. Thanks to recovery I am a functional productive member of society.  I grew up with single, divorced, alcoholics, mentally ill mother. I was separated from most of my biological family. from a sense 4 years old. When I was 4 my little sister was boiled in a tub of hot water by a careless baby sitter.

In elementary school I was my mother drinking buddy at least when she didn't have a man in her life. I remember living in various places as a child. I remember my half-sisters drunken father hitting me for putting the same under pants on after I got out of the bathtub. I remember moving around a lot. I remember happy time in foster care and orphanages. Memories of my foster parents kindly and gently showing me that a sock could go on either foot or waking up at the orphanage on Christmas morning in a dorm room with many other children and having a trash bag filled with little toys. They were probably cheap toys but they were toys. I remember having to leave those toys that day when my mother came to get my siblings and me. As we walked away from the orphanage she said that I told the nuns “they would find my body dead in the gutter down the road if they didn’t give us to her. So they did. I remember laughing about that comment. We then went to our old apartment in the project to find it trashed. Some one or every one broke into it and took and broke every thing. They even took are Christmas gift if there were any to begin with.

We moved again and this time the neighborhood and school was worse. Every day from like 3rd grade on I had to fight too survive. I did not know why kids called me devil, honkie, cracker or white boy. No matter what I said or did they did not like me. It turns out I was white, one of about two white kids that I remember. I was a poor white kid and I did not know of slavery the KKK or The Nation of Islam and all the beautiful hatred that the world had to offer me.

At the age of 16 under the advisement from a school councilor i moved out of my mother house, became a emancipated minor, moved to another area and started doing construction. I also got very good at robbing stories, selling drugs, throwing parties and doing any and every activity i could to survive and do drugs. Sex, drugs and rock n roll was my life. Before the age of 19 I went threw 12 apartments, made a lot of money, lost a lot of money and hit my physical, financial and emotional bottom. After about 6 month of hitting the pipe hard I went from 185lb to about 135. I lost all the illegally gained money I made. i when from have a nice apartment to being homeless living in abandon buildings and cars, but I still used. I didn't even think of stopping. For another 2 years I used and relocated my self around the world. Every time I burnt a bridge I moved.

EARLY RECOVER

I got clean at the age of 21. January 25, 1991 to be exact. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Drugs were no long giving me comfort. They stopped work. I heard if I got arrested in NY they would send me to a rehab. I didn't know you could just walk into a hospital and they would check you into rehab and i didn't have insurance for fancy places. So I got arrested, when to jail then rehab and a half way house. In rehab I heard the message of NA threw an open meeting that cam in. The rehab meeting room filled with recovering addict from the out-side. They were smiling, happy and clean. I don';t just mean clean as no high I mean they looks showered and smelt clean, OMG. There eyes weren't blood shot.

A soon as I could I started going to NA meeting every day. I started making coffee. The rehab want me to go to another fellowship. That did not work out. They were not welcoming to a young angry drug addict. So I went to NA. Screaming and crying, talked about killing my self and others and they showed me love. They gave me their phone numbers "I had to ask them for there number back then", and used them. I stated staying at recovering addict house when I had a week-end pass. I when to every NA event or party I could find. Those will more time then me were the people I searched out. They TOLD me to do service, what service to do and why. Even thou I didn't need a reason. I wanted what they had.

with a year clean I started to get my GED. After taking the test twice I passed. I was told by a friend in the half-way house that I was going to apply to a college for arts, so  did. After all the guy had more talent then I could ever imagine and saw something in me. It was a private school. There were a couple opening for a scholarship I fought for one and got it. After that I transferred to an even more prestigious art and design school in Brooklyn NY and by the grace of God, great grades and hard work got in. It was hard. Even with grants, loans and delivering pizza and doing every odd job I could it was a financial struggle. Any time I had to deal with the administration or financial ad office i would have panic attacks for weeks. Owe yes did I mention the fact that I am bi-polar, was suicidal with still have PTSD and panic attacks

"MORE TO BE ADDED. "

TODAY

The promise has come true and I am live proof. I have lost the desire to use. I have lost the desire to kill. I have become a functional member of society; even if, I don’t like everything about it. The text says the sooner we face our problem with society and ever day living it does not say we have to like society.

 

"MORE TO BE ADDED. "

 


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